In My Heart.....

Forever!!!

Jacob Albright Yost

My angel.

Joy Comes in the Morning

Although we physically lost our Jake on January 27th, today is the day I remember most from 11 years ago.  I remember the meeting I was in when I checked my voicemail and heard the doctor's voice.  I remember walking into the doctor's office and thinking "what do I say I am here for" (I didn't call the doctor back, I had Pete meet me there because I didn't want to hear the news over the phone).  I could recite almost every word that was said while we heard the worst news.  I remember driving to my parents' house and walking in the familiar back door and just shaking my head when they came around the corner.  I remember the hug from my dad that made me feel loved.

But what I remember the most was God's voice.  He guided us through and He carried me when I couldn't go on my own.  He kept His promise that He would not forsake me.

He healed my heart with the birth of Davis.

He made my heart whole with the surprise of Matthew (I found out I was pregnant with Matt at the same gestational age that we lost Jake).

The Joy does indeed come in the Morning and today that is what I am going to CELEBRATE.

1.11.11

Eleven years ago today we received some news that started our lives into a tailspin.

Today, we received news that will hopefully stop the spinning and have us moving in a straight line.

I got a J*O*B.

On the 17th, I will start working as a Controller for a small real estate company.  The opportunity really culminates all of my experience into one job.  It has taken awhile to get everything final...I interviewed on December 2nd at a lunch interview where my new bosses actually came out to where I was contracting so I didn't have to drive far and they treated me to a wonderful lunch.  The holidays slowed things down and the snow didn't help with the offer letter that I finally received today.

I have been unemployed for 2 years and 2 months (but lucky to have a few contract jobs that paid the bills).

We have a long road ahead of us to get back to some sense of financial security, but at least we are starting down that road.

Thank you isn't enough to thank all of those that have helped in so many ways during a time that was hard....it sucked a whole lot less because of all of you!!!  I don't want to ever forget what I have learned and I am looking forward to this new chapter!!

All I have

For 10 years I have kept this envelope.

Many tears have been shed for the life in this envelope.

I have said many times that this is "all I have of my Jake".

Pete once felt my wrath when he cleaned out the closet where I kept it and he put it in a bag in the basement. I am sure he would testify to my craziness when I found it.

It is now safely tucked in our safe.

Recently I discovered something....

This is not all I have of my Jake.

Jake is forever in my heart and in my memories. I don't need sonogram pictures or my letter to him or the cards from my family or the items from the perinatal loss group to remember my sweet baby.

Jake changed me...and I am going to let him.

I am going to be thankful for it.

Sweet Jake,

I held you for less than 150 days

But for 10 years you have lived in my heart.

Until I hold you again,

Know that Mommy loves you.

Angel Whisper

Tonight was my first night of teaching my 5th grade PREP (CCD) class.

I'll admit that I was a little nervous and maybe a little weak (I gave blood right before class because I forgot to go earlier in the day).

Davis and I were getting the classroom ready...arranging the tables and chairs...getting the prayer table ready with a bible. I reached in the cabinet to get a bible because the one in the box is for younger children. I grabbed the one on the top.

I opened the front cover and saw the following inscription:

Presented to Transfiguration Catholic Church

By Sally Yost

For the Love of our Angel

Jake Yost

A couple of years ago (probably more than 6 years ago), the church asked for money for bibles for the kid's classrooms. I bought 3, one for Hannah, one for Davis and and one for our baby angel Jake (Matt wasn't here yet). I am sure there were hundreds purchased (there are at least 10 in the room I am in).

What a wonderful way to feel God's love and support!!!

Thank you Jake for the support...Mommy loves you always and forever!! Thanks to you the class was great!!!

Our Jake

Jacob Albright

Mommy's love for you is as strong today as it was 9 years ago. I hope you are being a good angel for me. I miss you terribly!!

Our Boy

The Lord decided to keep him

To give her someone to hold.

This is for the better-

At least that's what my heart is told.

Running, laughing, and playing

Just like a "normal" boy would do.

Something he couldn't have here-

That's what we felt and knew.

He knows this is the best way

For a life he could truly live.

A special place in Heaven

Is the most precious gift to give.

Instead of the falling tears,

A smile overcomes my face.

As I remember our sweet boy

And a love that will never erase.

Written by his Aunt Lisa for Jacob before she even knew the joys of parenthood herself.

Jacob's hand and feet

Brrrrrr Rabbit

Holy Moly it is cold here!! We live in Georgia, we aren't supposed to be this cold!!!

Matt made it to school today and lasted all day.

We drove the truck today...NICE. The check engine light came on yesterday, but hopefully it is just something simple. My dad is going to bring something home from work that will hopefully tell him what is up. It is running really nice, and all the gauges are where they should be (temp, oil, battery). Dad told us to drive it like we stole it....but I would like to baby it. We need it to last until the fall until we can pay off my car and get a new truck.

Thanks Mom....you know for what.

I spend a lot of time in the month of January thinking about our angel in Heaven. I went through all my "Jacob things" tonight to scan his ultrasound pictures. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at them without the tears falling. I am also always comforted by the cards and well wishes we received from our friends and family. I still get a newsletter from the Perinatal loss group from the hospital...and I read it from cover to cover every issue. I have been able to announce two healthy baby boys in that newsletter. I am not sure I will ever ask to be taken off the mailing list....it is my tie to my sweet Jacob and other parents that share our love and grief.

I could use some good things to happen with us this month!! Jobs would be good!!!

Blessed

There are days in your life that are etched in your memory forever. Yesterday and today (9 years ago) are those kind of days for me.

I was lucky enough yesterday to go to my sister's house with my mom to help babysit the kids while they went to a movie. Today is my sister's birthday - Happy Birthday Lisa....hope your old ass was able to get out of bed today!!

I sort of stole little Lilah from my mom (Sorry Big Mama). I fed her twice and changed lots of diapers, but most of all I held this sweet baby. Anyone that knows me can tell you that this was my slice of Heaven!!! Thank you Lisa, Jason and Mom for giving me such a gift!!!

Nine years ago today we got a terrible phone call that set off some very dark times in my life. We found out that our baby I was carrying possibly had something seriously wrong with him (although we didn't know it was a boy at the time). It is funny how you can remember exactly where you were when you get bad news. I also remember when Pete came home and I was in bed with Hannah (we had just put her in a big girl bed because we wanted to have her out of the crib way before the baby came so she didn't feel pushed out) and I can remember how stunned and scared we were. I continue to be amazed by God's blessings, I was actually home with Hannah that day because she was sick....getting that call from the doctor would have been even worse if I had to hear that at work.

January is a hard month for me, but each year it gets a little better. God has blessed us with so much....even this day 9 years ago. We learned that day how much we could love someone we had never even met!! I know my Jake is playing with the angels and watching over his momma especially this month!!